The Mindful Parent, by Shirley Pastiroff

The subtitle is ‘How to stay sane, stay calm, and stay connected to your kids,’ and after only a few weeks of implementing some of Pastiroff’s ideas, I can honestly say I do feel saner, calmer, and more connected to my boy.

I feel like The Mindful Parent is the only parenting book I will ever need. Without sounding over-dramatic, this timely gem of a book, by counsellor Shirley Pastiroff, saved me from a breakdown. Let me set the scene…

I am a highly sensitive parent of a sensitive and spirited 3-year-old boy. Our village is very small as we don’t have any family nearby, and my son’s dad works out of state for weeks at a time. Unsurprisingly, I landed up depleted with nothing left to give, and my son was in crisis because of it. We were both experiencing daily meltdowns – sometimes at the same time – and I knew something major had to shift. I also knew that this wasn’t about discipline or ‘fixing’ my child’s behaviour. I knew it had to start with me. 

This book landing in my hands was an answer to prayer. The author, a parent of five, is very open about her own flaws and stumbles that preceded her mindful parenting journey. This is refreshingly real, and gave me a sense of hope that if she can do it, so can I. The subtitle is ‘How to stay sane, stay calm, and stay connected to your kids,’ and after only a few weeks of implementing some of Pastiroff’s ideas, I can honestly say I do feel saner, calmer, and more connected to my boy. The key, of course, is empathy. 

The first part of this book hones the parent’s personal skills, sharing information and outlining tools for developing self-awareness and self-empathy. Using the analogy of your brain being in a green, orange or red state, Pastiroff explains the biological systems that are involved in daily stress and calm, as well as explaining how this affects the parent-child relationship. Even though I understand the sympathetic and parasympathetic responses intellectually, her explanations and anecdotes are practical and relatable, and inspired some real ‘a-ha’ moments for me. She also offers tools for practising what I’d call empathy towards self – for recognising and acknowledging one’s own emotions. I’m big on meeting oneself where you are, and this is such a powerful way to do that. For me, the effect is that I feel seen, heard, and connected to. These are tools for developing a healthier way of thinking, and, in the doing, I get to set a better – healthier – example for my child.

The second part of the book explores ideas for parenting, from deepening connection, to handling challenging behaviour in a way that minimises conflict and promotes a calmer way forward. What stood out to me the most was the author’s suggestion to acknowledge the child’s emotions, link them to the situation, and then pause. There is so much power in that pause. The pause is the place where one might try to fix the problem, or teach a lesson. Yet, in doing so we often create more disconnection. The pause creates the container that’s holding space for the other person; the pause signifies ‘I hear you, I get it, and I’m here for you.’ This nugget has been transformational for me.

This life-changing book is about so much more than parenting. Weaving together neuroscience, personal narrative, and simple, practical strategies, The Mindful Parent inspires both a sigh of relief and a renewed sense of optimism along the parenting path. It is about un-learning frameworks that don’t serve anyone and embracing ones that will transform your relationships, both with yourself and with others. This is a book that I will come back to again and again, and one that every parent should read, no matter how old your children are.